The Lights Are Off

 

I wish I could say that I was over one month pregnant.

But I’m not.

I wish I could say that I have not been working at Walmart for over a month.

But I still work there.

I wish I could say that its been over one month being in a relationship.

But I’m still single.

I wish I could say I have been married for over a month.

But I am not.

I wish I could say that it’s been over a month since he’s been out of the hospital and back home.

But not the way I wanted.

I wish I didn’t have to say that my dad has been gone for over a month.

But it’s true. He’s gone.

I watched a video a couple nights ago on youtube by Kandee Johnson about how to deal with death and the story of her own dad’s death. It was what I needed. If you don’t know who Kandee Johnson is, she is a phenomenal youtuber and has made it big in the make-up world. Best of all she is a Christian and has poured wisdom into my life. (She may not even know it.) She laid out 5 things that people should do in the process of dealing with death. Here’s the list and my take on them.

1. Cry: Grieve. Let it all out. Tears are healing. There’s a reason God made us to cry. Sad tears are painful, but they release the stress and the best part is: God is crying with us.
2. Laugh: No guilt. I have often thought that when I laugh that it’s shameful and guilt washes over me. How dare I live on with him gone? I still have these thoughts, but I am slowly healing by living on and laughing. Laughing helps the healing and think about this. Wouldn’t my dad want me to laugh on? I can still remember his laugh and his face as he laughed. It’s very vivid in my memory and that I have to be thankful for.
3. Talk: Good things. Unfortunately I have yet to get to this point. I think about the negative too much. Where’s that gotten me? No where but backwards. My relationship with God is me pushing Him away and resenting Him and my thoughts of my dad are nothing but sad tears. Kandee said that you should grab a chair and talk to the chair and say the things you wanted to say to them before they were gone. I haven’t done this yet, but I have plans to. I encourage it. Talk to others about it. Other people will listen and they will be there with you through the process.
4. Move: Get going. Be active. Go for a walk. Hang out with your friends. Do something that helps keep your body going. If your walk or hanging out turns into tears or laughter or both then so be it! Let yourself live on and continue to fight through the pain. Honestly, I know it’s only been a little over a month since he’s been gone, but it’s always going to be painful and hard, but I know it will get easier the more I practice these things.
5. Decide: Honor. My dad would kick my ass if he found out that I was being crude to people. I don’t mean to, but I have found myself closing myself off and pushing people to the outer part of me. I have always been honest and very openhearted to people, but I roll it off my shoulders so I don’t have to get too deep. Which is a big no no! He’d decide to love others even if they treated him wrong. He’d hug them even if they were flat faced drunk. He’d put his arm around their shoulder even if they were higher than the angel’s fly. He’d decide to go see someone, because he cared for them when no one else did. I am deciding to honor him by caring for people like he did, by letting people into my life like he did with my family, by sharing his caring love.

“The lights are out and they’ll never come back on.” -Kandee Johnson

Those lights use to shine bright, but on May 23rd they dimmed until they went dark and went out. They will never come back on no matter how much I wish they would, but I must not let the darkest part of me be dark always. I will not close the door to that room, but instead cry as I look at the lights that are off, I will laugh as I remember, I will talk to make sure that, thought they are off, I will always remember, I will move around in and out of the room, and I will decide to let the light of Jesus shine in that room. I am taking the door off its hinges and breaking down the walls of the room to reveal the beauty of the lights reflecting the light of Jesus. My dad is gone, but Jesus is not. My dad will never be able to hug me again, but Jesus will always wrap me in His presence. My dad may never tell his stories again, but I will tell of his story and most of all the story of Jesus.

Cry, laugh, talk, move, and decide. You are NOT alone. Everyone knows the pain of losing someone, but not everyone knows the light and freedom of Jesus. Tell the story of your loved one and tell the story of how you were lost in darkness, but someone let the light into your room, took the hinges off the door and broke down your wall. Your lights are still on. Let them shine, because one day your lights will dim and go out in someone else life, but Jesus will shine on forever.

Here’s a link to the video that helped me from Kandee Johnson: